


Biotic What?

by Recidiva



Series: Fracture Planes and Hot Chocolate [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Silly, red sand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 20:34:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7189190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recidiva/pseuds/Recidiva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silly story based on the prompt from Vulpixer:  "Remember Niftu Cal, the drugged up Volus who thought he was a Biotic God? What if the crew was dosed up and had the same mindset? Biotic Gods, Superheroes/Villains, etc.  Any crew member(s).  Crack is more than welcome."</p><p>Based on my characters from "Of Kittens and Broken Things."  This takes place somewhere silly on the timeline beyond chapter 38, reflecting events of the story up to that point and attitudes of the afflicted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Biotic What?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Vulpixer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vulpixer/gifts).



Cara first noticed a strange smell and then a little bit of a headache building. It might just be having people over at the apartment. Celebratory dinner…but right now she couldn’t remember for what. The Normandy was at the Citadel, Liara was on the Citadel, Garrus insisted. Thane, Kolyat, Russ, Liara…

But this did not just feel like ‘too many people’ stress. 

This felt like red sand. Right now it was her and Garrus on the couch kissing after a lovely dinner. Everyone else was…where? In the kitchen? It was quiet. She couldn’t get a hold of earlier events or even current events. Had everyone left? She blinked and said “I don’t feel right.”

Garrus said indulgently “You feel fine to me.” 

There was a fine layer of Reverie from kissing, and it didn’t feel like that. Reverie made things feel better, not painful or ominous. “No, not right as in…have you ever been exposed to red sand?”

“No.”

“That kind of not feeling right. Does the apartment smell off to you?”

“There’s human and Asari and Drell food, of course it smells off to me.”

“Do you feel off to you?”

“No, I’d just really prefer if my bond mate were a little quieter or just said ‘mmmm’ more often.”

“This is a different kind of ‘mmmmm.’”

“Damn.”

There was a massive crash that came from the kitchen.

“Garrus, this is bad.”

“Why?”

“Okay, you weren’t there. Russ is scary on red sand.”

“You just told a story about a Volus that thought he was a Biotic God. It sounded kind of cute. We can push Russ over by blowing on him.”

“That’s…unfortunate phrasing…but here’s the difference, Garrus. Russ was a biotic God before he got the red sand. Now he’s a biotic God with red sand and no inhibitions.”

“Oh.”

“And you’re ‘it’”

“OH.”

“And if he sees me he’s likely going to want to wipe out the competition.”

“This is bad. Because that describes Thane, you’re ‘it’ and I’m the competition.”

“So…if I go after Thane…” 

“Absolutely no way I’m letting that happen.”

“But if you go after Thane.”

“He’ll kill me.”

“And if I go after Russ.”

“He’ll kill you.”

Another crash.

Cara said “Look, Russ is going to be easy to find. Thane can cloak. He might be…uh…he might be right here right now.”

There was a sound, and it was suspiciously like an undignified Drell giggle. It was terrifying. Cara spoke up “Thane…absolutely not. No stalking. Do you hear me? No stalking, no killing.”

More giggling.

“Thane, your son is here. You need to find Kolyat. You need to help Kolyat.” 

Garrus was stock still “Think that’s going to work?”

“What do I know? I’m high on red sand. You’re going to get there soon enough. We need a plan.”

“Uh…uh…delivery method?”

“Ventilation system?”

“Primary goal navigation to control point of ventilation system.”

“Or we just try to make a break for the door, get maintenance to do it.”

“I’ll bet Thane has the exit blocked by now. Think about it…Russ and Thane here alone.”

“They’re both dead. And Kolyat. And the cat.”

“And Liara.”

Cara thought “Okay. Kolyat first. He’s the one most likely to be reasonable.”

“No motivation to sleep with or kill either of us.”

“Right.” Cara shouted “Kolyat?”

From upstairs, an adolescent and irritated yell “WHAT?”

“Kolyat, you okay?”

“WHY? Why does everybody always want to know if I’m going to be okay? Are you afraid I’m just going to go and kill someone? I’m not going to kill someone! That’s what my father does! I’m sick of it!”

“Kolyat?”

“WHAT?”

“You should lock yourself in a room right about now.”

“WHY? So all the heroes can save the day? So you can all have some meeting I shouldn’t know about? You know I’m tired of heroes too! Really tired of heroes! My perfect mother and my perfect father and – did you know the cat won’t even play with me if he’s around? OF COURSE SHE WON’T.”

Garrus giggled and Cara elbowed him in the abdominal plates “You are not helping.”

“It’s true though, she just finds Thane, licks his hand and then falls over.”

“Right. So find the cat who will find Thane.”

Cara said out loud “Thane, can you cloak with a cat concealed somewhere on your person or can I look for a floating cat?”

Thane’s voice came from a swiftly moving direction, toward ventilation no doubt “She will not leave me alone. She is on my shoulder and is safe. Kolyat appears safe.”

Kolyat yelled “I TOLD YOU!”

“So…stoned cat. As usual. Thane, could you do me a favor and shut off the ventilation? You’re high on red sand.”

Garrus hissed “Don’t tell him.”

“Oh, he already heard. He’s not guarding the front door, now he’s guarding the ventilation. Voice headed that way.”

“What did that accomplish?”

“He’s not actively trying to kill you.”

“He’s just passively blocking our attempt at turning it off for his triumphant coup of killing me, saving you and then…”

“Please don’t think about that. Thane with no inhibitions is not something I want to think about.”

“Now I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Russ. Russ is a problem.”

Another crash. Cara asked absently “Does Russ like to cook?”

“Yeah.”

“So he’s distracted.”

“Or looking for dextro and can’t find any and he’s hungry, angry, a Biotic God and without inhibitions.”

“We are…in so much trouble.”

“At least the cat is safe.”

“That’s not funny.”

“I know, but I can’t stop laughing.”

Cara giggled for a little while and then said “Okay. Okay. Okay. Um…I need to get off your lap.”

“I hate this plan.”

“You always hate that plan but…I’m going to lose my inhibitions soon too.”

“I love that plan.”

“No. No you don’t. Active kissing is provocation to the scary Biotic Gods and at some point we’re going to pass out, not the fun kind.”

“You know, I’m Councilor, I should be in charge.”

“Not the time, Garrus.”

“It is too. My station.”

“My apartment.”

“On my station.”

“Okay, Councilor, what’s your plan.”

“We stay here. We lose inhibitions. They come for us, we all die in a glorious blue and green biotic explosion.”

“This is why you’re not in charge.”

“Sounded better in my head.”

“Look, we cannot split up. We’d be picked off as targets of giggling, stupid opportunity.”

“Front door then?”

“At least open it, get some real air. This place is locked down, maybe try a cross breeze somehow.”

Garrus tried to whisper but he was mostly just yelling quietly “What about Liara?”

Cara yelled “Liara?”

“Yes?”

“You okay?”

“I think I’ve made a breakthrough on Prothean script! I am sure that this passage right here says that the Protheans learned…how to…wait, now it’s different. It was really important. Don’t distract me!”

“Yes ma’am.” Cara said “I love her, she’s fine. No threat, no death, just nerding in peace.”

“I thought she had a thing for you?”

“That seemed to have been handled by getting a look inside my head. Come on, need to go.”

Garrus stood up and she said “Yeah…put me down.”

“Don’t want to.”

“You want to get back on the Normandy, Vakarian, put me down. Follow orders.”

“Oh…I love your Avah voice. Do that again.”

“DOWN.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Down with less hands.”

“Compromise.”

“NOW.”

“You know, you’re no fun.”

“I’m not trying to be fun. I’m trying to not die. Look, no kissing. No hands. Angry biotic glowy eight-foot-tall Turian God who will do anything for you.”

“Well, maybe I should be bait then.”

“Garrus, I have no plan to take him down while he tackles you. Small, high, big-brained small-brawned human who will not knock him over by blowing on him.”

Garrus giggled. 

Cara giggled. “Okay, more unfortunate phrasing.”

Garrus laughed harder “I can’t even…you’d have to stand up doing it. I…you’re so short.”

Cara said steadily “I am not a biotic God. Okay, Russ in the kitchen. Thane at the vent controls. Liara in a room studying and I’m not sending her out against either of those two. Kolyat safe having a tantrum in a closed room and the cat probably passed out and invisible. Front door. Together. Maybe it was only a single dose and we can wait it out. If it is constantly pumped in though that’s not going to work.”

“Won’t they eventually pass out?”

“Yeah. You think we can count on them to both accept it’s going to happen and just quietly do it?”

“…not really, no.”

“Me either. Front door.”

“See, if I were on the Normandy I’d be wearing armor. Armor would protect me from Biotic God.”

“For about five minutes.”

“Those are crucial minutes!”

“Why did you always wear armor? Everyone else had casuals.”

“I look good in armor. So does Russ. He’s a very attractive guy.”

“I know, I’ve been told. I’m too short to appreciate it, he just scares me. I am scared. I am very scared. A lot scared. Mostly scared.”

“And redundant. Thane’s an attractive guy.”

“We are not going there, Garrus.”

“Well, I mean…we’re not dead, right? We both take one for the team so to speak and then we all pass out and…”

“This is not a plan, Garrus.”

“Yes it is! It’s better than yours… all ‘open the front door and we’ll be saved’ – it’s a act of deliberate provocation.”

“Fine, you head to the kitchen and I head to the ventilation system, what’s a little lack of inhibition when the galaxy’s at stake.”

“Fine then, all four of us!”

“What happened to being bonded?”

“I don’t know! Sex just seems like a good idea. Sex rather than death, yeah.”

“You…have been a politician for too long and have had no experience with red sand. I’m overruling you.”

Garrus grumbled “Like you have a better idea.”

“Is that what you think every time we go out on a mission, just grumbling the whole way in your head?”

“It’s not always grumbling, it’s broken up by the urge to do something truly insubordinate and say something bitingly sarcastic.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

“But you’re still going to open the front door.”

“And you’re going to be insubordinate and sarcastic and leaning toward orgy.”

“This whole place is leaning toward orgy. I’m just acknowledging the atmosphere.”

“Look, the cat isn’t. Don’t besmirch Carousel. She has nothing to do with it.”

“She’s a venom junkie.”

“But not a sex addict, unlike the rest of us.”

Kolyat yelled “Some of us have not even HAD sex!”

Cara and Garrus both giggled and there was a slam of a door upstairs. Cara said “Okay, we’re really loud.”

Garrus said with a bright idea “Call security?”

Cara answered “Sure, the Turian Councilor and his human Spectre bond mate that isn’t supposed to be his bond mate are found in corpus flagrante habeus delicto or something. Whatever. Latin something. Something bad. With another Spectre and the Shadow Broker and an assassin wanted for…everything. That sounds great. If Thane doesn’t snap their necks when they enter because this is still HIS apartment no matter what he says…”

“Oh. Yeah. That. Okay.”

“I really want some ice cream.”

“Focus.”

“I really, really want some ice cream.”

“We’re doing the front door thing, virce. Stupid idea, but better than ice cream.”

“Front door then ice cream?”

“We are…so dead.”

“Front door.”

They got over to it, but it was a provocation to an eight foot Turian biotic God who did, as predicted, blaze out of the kitchen drawn out by their attempt to escape and nearly shouting their plans. The door stayed closed, Garrus was down in a frenzy of tackled Turian and she felt Drell arms close around her waist, yanking her away.

She said desperately “Thane, no lair! Definitely no lair! Do not drag me back to your lair, wherever that is…oh…this is bad.”

More terrifying Drell giggles in her ear. Despite her protests, lair it was, back to the ventilator controls in an access closet. It worked out in his favor, Russ had Garrus…distracted, he had control over the vents and he had her.

Carousel was comfortably napping on a side table. It looked like Thane had made a nest for her out of a blanket.

Cara said “Awwww…she’s so sweet.” That was quickly interrupted by an “Oof” as she was shoved against a wall, very much like Beckenstein. Exactly like Beckenstein, only this time he wasn’t keeping any distance between them as he would in any of the more familiar and teasing situations brought about by ‘fake’ relationship. 

He repeated the words he’d said then, her heart pounding, flushed and nervous and weak and red sand-Reverie faded as he said “Close your eyes. Turn your head to the side, away from me.” 

“No.”

He did not like that answer. Seeing an obvious solution to that, he glared at her for a moment for being so very uncooperative and then kissed her, the shock of the addition of venom to the mind-stealing mix of everything else overwhelming.

She’d really like to say it was awful. A terrible thing. But it really, really wasn’t. She had about one square inch of shaky self control left and suddenly ice cream was completely forgotten and all she really wanted was Thane, more venom and more kissing.

Oh…oh…venom ice cream…venom brownies…

She wrapped her arms around him, he lifted her thigh pressed to his as he had before, this time shoving her higher up the wall. He was glowing, patches of biotics flaring against his and then her skin, over her lips, along the fingers on her thigh.

He was the Best. Thing. Ever. Ever in existence and she didn’t want to stop kissing him, her hands moving over his face, his shoulders, a leg up to wrap around his hip and a groan against her mouth.

Then they both heard a click. Ventilation system shutdown.

Kolyat said “Dad. DAD. Dad, stop. You can’t. It’s red sand. Put her down.”

Cara made a noise that sounded like “Noooo.” She really wished she hadn’t.

Kolyat had all the adolescent contempt of his own red sand lack of inhibition “DAD. Put her DOWN. She’s not yours. You can’t have her. No matter how hard you try. STOP.”

Thane said with narrowed eyes at his son “Yes, I clearly can. All I need is red sand.”

Cara made a noise that sounded suspiciously like ‘yay’ and also nodded in agreement.

Kolyat took her hand and said “Come on. It’s not his fault. He’s just…he’s just my dad.”

Thane, ready to kill pretty much everyone else in the place and unable to let go of her on his own was helpless against Kolyat’s contempt and direction. Kolyat made a noise of disgust and brought her to the kitchen table, where Garrus and Russ were sitting, heads in their hands. Kolyat told her “Sit down, I’ll get you some hot chocolate.”

Faintly she said “Thanks.”

Time passed slowly, headaches built, nobody wanted to talk to each other. Kolyat got everyone something to drink and some analgesic tablets. Thane made his way to the table slowly and Liara came downstairs saying “What happened?”

Cara said softly between sips “Red sand in the ventilation.”

Liara said “I have a bunch of notes…I was really excited, thought I’d figured out where a real Prothean might potentially be buried…but now I’ve lost it. Red sand delusion?”

Thane nodded and said solemnly “Red sand delusion.”

Liara sighed and said “You guys okay?”

Garrus said too fast “Oh yeah, never better.”

Cara answered “Dandy.”

Thane nodded stiffly.

Russ grinned.

So Cara asked “What happened?”

Garrus said “I’m his Avah, I asked him to stop and he did.”

Russ said smugly “He really didn’t figure that out right away though.”

Garrus said with no real bite “Shut up, Yiansoc.” and then “Latin something.”

Cara said “On the bright side, Kolyat, you’re my hero.”

Kolyat said “Thanks…but…I also think it’s my fault.”

Everyone looked at him. He said uncomfortably “Hanar…at the door…said he was…said he should look at the ventilation system and I…I let him in.”

Thane said drily “I imagine he had an impressive tool belt.”

Kolyat rolled his eyes “Dad…shut up.”

Garrus and Russ laughed.

Kolyat asked “Look, I’m sorry. Why would they do that anyway?”

Cara shrugged, looked at Thane and thought about the Compact and Blasto movies. “Because they’re big, stupid jellyfish.”


End file.
